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Ever since the husband and I got married we said we wanted kids but we wanted to wait until we had jobs (see work blog for that nightmare!), house, cars and felt ready for kids. We knew I was quite fertile as we’d had 2 abortions already- both of which were a result of malfunctioning contraceptives, the first was the injection and the second was the coil, yes I know..who would have thought that could happen twice to the same person. The latter of which resulted in an ectopic pregnancy so would have resulted in a termination at some stage if we had not opted for it already. We are of the belief that a child is a commitment you have to be ready for both mentally, physically and financially and to bring into the world a child from an accident or mistake is not an option, that child may even be resented for such in later life. An abortion is not an easy thing to decide, and the actual procedure is very painful on more than one level.

So to 2009 when we decided to start actually trying for a child. No surprise then when we fell pregnant immediately and started getting really excited. I remember very well as it was my husbands 30th birthday and I had spent all year arranging a wonderful surprise party, I hired an entire campsite for all our friends and family to stay the whole weekend, hired a couple of bands to play, all the food and decorations all without the husband finding out…it was very difficult and highly stressful. I believe it had a part to play in the miscarriage that followed. It was hard to comprehend, I felt empty and scared that I might not be able to keep a pregnancy as with the previous ones I had never got that far. It turns out the foetus was 10 weeks old, the really hard thing was that I had had an early scan due to the previous one being ectopic so we had seen it’s heartbeat at 7 weeks. I knew I was miscarrying when I started to feel a bit off, ill even, then there was blood but to be honest not that much, so this made me worry and psychoanalyse every possible reason for this. We had to go for another scan and that was when it hit home, for instead of seeing on the screen a small dot that had a lovely wobbly beating line around it, this time, nothing but a black dot, the tears started at the realisation of what had happened. I was a bit of a wreck as you can imagine but the husband was there for me throughout, as was my best friend who was always on the end of a phone for me.

We were told that we should wait a month before trying again, we did this and again we fell pregnant immediately and this time resulted in the birth of our first born Lilwen, born 30th September 2010.

16 mins old

Nothing is ever easy, even the simplest most natural of things like conceiving a child

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